To: Women Everywhere From A Man Who Has Had Enough

• Learn to work the toilet seat. If it is up, put it down. We need it up. You need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
• If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
• If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. A truthful answer on this subject has never been rewarded since before we were monkeys. Accept that you have genetically conditioned us by now.
• Don't crop your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
• Birthdays, Valentines' and anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect presents yet again !
• If you ask a question that you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. Be happy if we refuse to answer.
• Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as lint, the shotgun formation, or architectural technology.
• Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
• Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way.
• When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. You have enough clothes, you know far more about wearing them than we ever will.
• You have too many shoes.
• Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
• Crying is blackmail.
• Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one : Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really, really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!
• We don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar.
• Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes. If you don't believe it, try it some time.
• "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
• Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
• Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
• A headache that lasts for 7 weeks is a problem. See a doctor. We reserve the right to seek alternate therapy.
• Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
• Check your oil. If this is a problem that needs solving, you know who to ask.
• It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
• Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
• If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you cry or angry, we meant the other way.
• Let us oggle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic. Note that you oggle, too; we're just not wasting time focusing on the handbag.
• Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
• You can either tell us to do something OR show us how to do something, but not both.
• Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
• ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
• If it itches, it will be scratched.
• If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.

I reacted almost immediately and asked, "Is he coming for dinner?"

The man said, "He will come any time you are ready."

Aha, I had a live one. "Well, tonight we're having a stir fry. Does jesus like chicken?" I asked. The man's eyes glazed slightly. "I don't know if he still keeps kosher, after all these years," I continued, "but this is a kosher home, so he'll be able to eat."

The man fumbled into a briefcase and handed me a printed brochure, which I ignored.

"If he wants to daven mincha before he comes, the shul is only three blocks from here," I said.

He gulped, "What?"

I repeated my statement and added, "You mean Jesus Christ, don't you?"

He nodded.

I continued, "Born in Bethlehem?"

He nodded and started to back away from my door.

I smiled and said, "If that's the guy, he's jewish." As he started to turn away, I said, "You're invited too, but no butter on your dinner roll." And the guy almost ran down the walk.

My wife asked me who was at the door and I told her, "Some friend of Jesus."

She knows me. She shrugged. "And did you invite him in?" she asked.

I nodded, "Sure. I invited him and Jesus to dinner, but the guy ran away."

She walked back into her office, and said over her shoulder, "You don't speak aramaic, dummy. Jesus would have a lousy evening here."

I told you, she knows me. I forgot all about the language problem.

Anyway, one day this guy went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over and when he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEY HAD BEEN STOLEN. He saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!"

He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to prevent a global disaster in which all of the computers get together and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true - I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)

The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first asked him to press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the phone line at the guy's expense. Then reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS."

Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital - the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people, you will have good luck but for 10 people only you will only have OK luck and if you send it to fewer than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS).

So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.

Send THIS to all the friends who send you their junk mail and you will receive 4 green M&Ms - if you don't, the owner of Proctor and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck: you will get sick from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your shampoo, your spouse/mate will develop a skin rash from using the antiperspirant which clogs the pores under your arms, and the U.S. government will put a tax on your e-mails forever.

I know this is all true 'cause I read it on the Internet.

1. No known species of reindeer can fly, but there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer which only santa has ever seen.

    

2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world, but since santa doesn't (appear) to handle the muslim, hindu, jewish and buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to population reference bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

    

3. Santa has 31 hours of christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each christian household with good children, santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

   This means that santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

    

4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull ten times the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

    

5. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

However, I could be wrong.

Chagrinned by his constant defeat, he gets all pissed off and decides that he won't stand for this abuse any longer, so he starts working out, lifting weights, and beating his personal best on the track. He and big horse race again, and for the first quarter of the race, he's beating big horse, but then big horse runs past him and stays ahead for the rest of the race.

Little horse feels more determined than eveer now, and he starts practicing even harder. He's got a punching bag, some weights to lift and all sorts of nutty shit. Bottom line is, Big Horse has to lose. They race again. For the 1st half of the race little horse is winning but then big horse runs byu him and stays ahead for the rest of the race.

There is nothing that Little Horse won't do foor the titlew now. He starts taking steroids, and his testicles shrivel up like lil cherries, and he's got this conviction, and he knows he's gonna win. They race again. For three quarters of the race, Little horse is winning, but big hose passes him buy in the last quarter.

So big horse is walking back to the stable and this dog walks up to him and says "Big horse, how come you always let little horse win for a while, but then pass him by."

Big horse jumps back in surprise and says "Holy shit! A talking dog!"

I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.

DAY 1

They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress this week. Started the morning at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit-ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT!!

DAY 2

Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles feel GREAT!

DAY 3

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagon. Tanya was little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.

DAY 4

Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. NOT A CHANCE, TANYA!! The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.

DAY 5

I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain, I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya. I don't have triceps, and if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage. YOU went to sadist school. YOU are to blame. She had the treadmill set so fast it flung me back into a phys.ed teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or home economics?

DAY 6

Got Tanya's message on my answering machine wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

DAY 7

Well, that's the week. Thank God that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like a free lower-colon exam or gum surgery.

You see, a herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

Its headquarters are in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania.

Had the most interesting conversation with the top sales weasel at our company today. She came into my office and noticed I had a box of Altoids on my desk. (Have you had them? They are these obnoxiously strong peppermints made in England.)

As soon as she saw them, she burst into laughter. Turns out she had recently had an affair with a guy who called her and left her an incredibly steamy voice mail message after an encounter. He went on and on about what a blow job goddess she was, how amazing she was, how he'd never be the same, etc.

She was kind of puzzled, thinking: what did I do to this guy that was so different from my regular technique? She finally figured it out: she's a smoker, and before getting intimate with him, she had gone to the bathroom to "freshen up." Not having a toothbrush, she crunched on about four Altoids and then got busy.

Apparently things went amazingly. So she passed this little tidbit on to another female sales weasel, who immediately tried it out on -her- fiance. Apparently this guy has never, ever been into oral sex, but liked the mint sensation so much that he asked her to stop and chew another Altoid mid-blow job. He is now a fellatio gourmand.

This news has been going around our office. Having a box of Altoids on your desk is now like being part of the Secret Blowjob Goddess Society. It's the equivalent of having the hottest car or coolest computer.

News spread like crazy among the females, who all went out at lunch to Walgreens to buy a box of Altoids (about $2 for 100 or so), and their partners across the city tonight are getting one hell of a corporate blow job. As far as company-wide morale boosting events, it doesn't get much better.

Some of the men found out, too -- they went out after work to buy them for their wives. They strategized on how to get their wives to eat them. And people wonder why I work in technology.

For what it's worth -- it really does work! It leaves a lasting tingle that is apparently quite exquisite.)

The key seems to be the number of Altoids chewed up. The more the merrier! Heck, even if it didn't work, oral sex frequency is likely to rise dramatically at least for a little while!

1. Cover your stump before you hump.
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy.
4. When in doubt, shroud your sprout.
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner.
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong.
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it.
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize.
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick.
12. If you go into heat, package your meat.
13. While you're undressing Venus, dress up that penis.
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, dress up your trouser mouse.
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member.
16. Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool.
18. The right selection! Protect your erection!
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
20. A crank with armor will never harm her.
21. If you really love her, wear a cover.
22. Don't make a mistake, muzzle your snake.
23. Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.
24. If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.
25. No glove, no love!

HELL: Exothermic or Endothermic

A Georgia Tech thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however wrote the following:

First, we postulate that if souls exist, they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.

#1. So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.

#2. Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given me by Therese Banyan during freshman year concerning frosty days in hell, and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and hell is thus proved to be exothermic.

The student got the only A

1. MEDICINE. You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have 15 minutes.
2. HISTORY. Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially but not exclusively on its social, political, economic, religious and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America and Africa. Be brief, concise and specific.
3. PUBLIC SPEAKING. Two thousand drug-crased aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.
4. BIOLOGY. Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of like had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English parlamentary system.
5. MUSIC. Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with a flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.
6. ENGINEERING. The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes, a hungry Bengal tiger will be coming into the room. Take whaver action you deem to be appropriate. Be able to justify your decision.
7. SOCIOLOGY. What sociological problem might accompany the end of the world? Construct an experiment to test your theory.
8. MANAGEMENT SCIENCE. Define management. Define science. How do they relate? Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all managerial decisions. Assuming a Cray I CPU supporting 50 terminals, each terminal to activate your algorithm, design the communications interface and the necessary controls.
9. PSYCHOLOGY. Based on you knowledge of their work, evalute the emotional stablity, degree of adjustment and repressed frustrations of each: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Ramses II, Gregory of Nicea, Hammurabi. Support you your evaluation with quotations from each man's work. It is not necessary to translate.
10. POLITICAL SCIENCE. There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. StartWorld War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.
11. ECONOMICS. Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan on these areas: Cubism, the Donatist controversy, the wave theory of light.
12. EPISTEMOLOGY. Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your position.
13. PHYSICS. Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.
14. PHILOSOPHY. Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.
15. GENERAL KNOWLEDGE. Describe in detail, briefly.
     
    • EXTRA CREDIT. Define the universe. Give three examples.

1. Harder than ever to land a role in those new Wrigley's commercials featuring the Doublemint Octuplets.
2. Two words: Gilbert Gottfried(s)
3. Any scientific advancement that stems from the result of Scottish people doing strange things to sheep is bound to have dire consequences.
4. In mere weeks, Bill Gates (v1.0, v1.2, v2.0, v3.0, v3.1 & v5.0) has all the money on the entire planet.
5. Hillary's husband discovers true multiple orgasms.
6. If you think there are too many idiots shouting "Show me the money!" on every occasion now, just wait.
7. Rush Limbaugh takes his self-affection to a whole new level, and suddenly is IN FAVOR of same-sex marriages.
8. "Penn & Penn & Teller & Teller & Teller & Penn & Penn & Teller & Penn" much harder to fit on comedy club marquee.
9. And you think it's hard to find your size now!
10. 18-month waiting list for George Clooney and Cindy Crawford clones.
11. "Alternative" radio filled with even more Nirvana clones.
12. And the final score: the New York Gretzkys - 408, the Pittsburgh Lemieuxs - 399.
13. Can no longer count on the Grim Reaper to get Jesse Helms out of office.
14. Those apocalyptic words: "Ladies & Gentlemen: The John Tesh Philharmonic Orchestra!"
15. Seventeen Mark Fuhrmans, and suddenly OJ's defense doesn't seem quite as far-fetched.

. . and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee.

(By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.)

• panhandler: unaffiliated applicant for private-sector funding.
• serial-killer: person with difficult-to-meet needs.
• dirty old man: sexually focused chronologically gifted individual.
• lazy: motivationally deficient.
• fat: horizontally challenged.
• fail: acheive a deficiency.
• dishonest: ethically disoriented.
• bald: follicularly challenged.
• clumsy: uniquely coordinated.
• perverted: sexually dysfunctional.
• body odor: nondiscretionary fragrance.
• alive: temporarily metabolically abled.
• worst: least best.
• wrong: differently logical.
• ugly: cosmetically different.
• unemployed: involuntarily leisured.
• short: vertically challanged.
• dead: living impaired.
• vagrant: nonspecifically destinationed individual.
• spendthrift: negative saver.
• stoned: chemically inconvenienced.
• pregnant: parasitically opressed.
• ignorant: knowledge-based nonpossessor.

Oaths of Enlistment

US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army, because the Marines frighten me and I am afraid of water over waist deep. I swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of exercise. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than those around me and will, at all times, be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of "Basic Training" I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chair borne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back. I will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. So Help Me God!

____________________________________________________
Signature                                Date

US ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the UNITED STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will see is a Court Martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my Sexual.....er....I mean "Basic Training," I will attend a different Army school every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times I will continue to take her back. While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at 1000 hours because of morning PT and leave everyday at 1300 to report back to "COMPANY." I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam. So Help Me God!

____________________________________________________
Signature                                Date

US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," because I didn't want to actually live in dirt like the Army, and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...why not?" I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man during summer and for Nazi Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, geedunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, candy, water fountain, hole in wall and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700 hours every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930 hours. I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound "colleagues." So Help Me Neptune!

____________________________________________________
Signature                                Date

US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, (have someone recite your name for you), swear.. uhhhh.... high-and-tight.... grunt... cammies....ugh... Air Force women.... HOORAH! So Help Me CORPS.!

____________________________________________________
Thumb Print X                             Date

COAST GUARD OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, Gilligan , swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the COAST GUARD, because I want to hang out with Merchant Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," because I didn't want to actually live in dirt like the Army, I didn't want to have to cut my hair for the Marines, and the US Navy leaves the United States and has big ships, and because I thought, "Hey, I don't want to leave home anyway?" I promise to wear clothes that look like the Air Force because the Coast Guard couldn't come up with their own uniform. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, geedunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, candy, water fountain, hole in wall and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Coast Guard acronyms, rank, and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster, whatever that is, at 0930 hours every morning at the local doughnut shop and talk about how great it is not to be a real service and fight any wars. I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a dinging being tossed around in a thunder strom, and still not spill a drop. I consent to not being promoted like the real military. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound "colleagues." So Help Me Department of Transportation!

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Signature                                Date

What's new Normie?
Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding beer.

What'd you like Normie?
A reason to live. Give me another beer.

What'll you have Normie?
Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap.
Looks like beer, Norm.
Call me Mister Lucky.

Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?
Like a baby treats a diaper.

What's the story Mr. Peterson?
The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending.

Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.
I know, if she calls, I'm not here.

Beer, Norm?
Have I gotten that predictable? Good.

What's going on Mr. Peterson?
A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'

Whatcha up to Norm?
My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.

How's it going Mr. Peterson?
Poor. I'm sorry to hear that.
No, I mean pour.

How's life treating you Norm?
Like it caught me sleeping with its wife.

Women. Can't live with 'em... pass the beer nuts.

What's going down, Normie?
My butt cheeks on that bar stool.

Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?
Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty.

How's it going Mr. Peterson?
It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.

What's the story Norm?
Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer.

What's going on Mr. Peterson?
The question is what's going in Mr. Peterson? A beer please, Woody.

Can I pour you a beer Mr. Peterson?
A little early isn't it, Woody?
For a beer?
No, for stupid questions.

• You remember when Jordache jeans were cool.
• In your fifth grade class picture you were wearing an Izod shirt with the collar up.
• You know by heart the words to any Weird Al Yankovic song.
• The Brady Bunch movie brought back cool memories.
• You ever rang someone's doorbell and said "Landshark!"
• Three words: Atari, IntelliVision and Coleco, sound familiar.
• You remember the days when "safe sex" meant that your parents were gone for the weekend.
• You remember Friday Night Videos before the days of MTV.
• A predominant color in your childhood photos is plaid.
• While in high school, you and your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play Prince's "1999" until you passed out partying.
• You remember when music that was labeled alternative, really was.
• You took family trips BEFORE the invention of the minivan.
• You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you.
• You've ever conversationally used the phrase, "Jane, you ignorant slut!".
• You watched HR Puffenstuff as a child, but now that you're older, you really understand that it would have been much better had you known about drugs at the time.
• You've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phases: When I was younger...When I was your age...You know, back when...
• Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language.
• You're starting to view getting carded to buy alcohol as a GOOD thing.
• You ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna or Cyndi Lauper video.
• The first time you ever kissed someone at a dance came during "Crazy for You," by Madonna.
• You remember with pain the sad day when the Green Machine hit the streets and made your old Big Wheel quite obsolete.
• The phrase "Where's the beef," still doubles you over with laughter.
• You honestly remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly get better special effects than those in the movie TRON.
• Your hair at some point in time in the 80's became something which can only be described by the phrase, "I was experimenting"
• This timeline appropriately describes actual events in your life: Star Wars opens, you are still in single digit ages, and you think the creatures are WAY cool. Empire Strikes Back opens, you are now in early double digit ages, and you are convinced that the special effects are much better, the characters are cool, and you want one of every collectible out there. Return of the Jedi hits the theaters, you are now a teenager and you cannot get your eyes off Princess Leia's breasts or Han Solo's butt.
• You've ever shopped at a Banana Republic or Benetton, but not in the last five years, okay.
• You're starting to believe now that maybe having the kids go to school year round wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.
• You're doing absolutely nothing pertaining to your major.
• You ever wanted to be gagged with a spoon.
• U2 is too popular and mainstream for you now.
• You ever used the phrase "Kiss mah grits!" in conversation.
• You remember trying to guess the episode of the Brady Bunch from the first scene.
• You spent endless nights dreaming about being the Bionic Woman or Wonder Woman or the Six Million Dollar Man.
• You had ringside seats for Luke and Laura's wedding on General Hospital.
• You remember, "Hey, let's be careful out there."
• You're parents wanted you to attend medical school, but you decided it was pointless since Quincy got all the babes anyway.
• You know who shot JR.
• This rings a bell: "...and my name is Charlie. They work for me."
• You were unsure if Diet Coke would ever catch on after all.
• You know all the words to the double album set of Grease.
• You ever had a Dorothy Hammill haircut.
• You sat with your friends on a Friday night and dialed 867-5309 and asked for Jenny.
• All skate, change directions, means something to you.
• You owned a pair of Rainbow suspenders just like Mork used to wear.
• You bought a pair of Vanns and wanted to order a pizza in history class so you could be just like Jeff Spicoli in Fast Times at Ridgemont High.
• You owned a preppy handbook.
• You can clap along to "Mickey" with the best of them.
• You know who we mean when we mention The cop, the sailor, the biker, the cowboy, the Indian, and the construction worker.
• You remember when leg warmers were the thing to wear.
• Some of your favorite commercials involved Count Chocula, Frankenberry, and Boo-Berry.
• You tried dancing like the gopher on CADDYSHACK.
• "Come On Eileen" will always have a place in your heart.
• You remember cigarette commercials on TV.
• You can relate to most outfits worn on American Bandstand reruns.
• You can name at least 6 Superfriends.
• "PUPPY POWER!!" means something to you.
• You always wondered why the professor could make a damn car with bamboo, but he could never build a boat to get them off the island.
• You know by heart the theme songs to "Happy Days", "Laverne and Shirley", and "Three's Company".
• You get fond memories watching "Muppet Show" reruns.
• You remember Michael Jackson as a black man who wore parachute pants.
• You needed one glove just like Michael.
• One word - breakdancing.
• You remember running around outside, pointing up in the sky, yelling "Da plane, da plane!!".
• You could never believe the things you saw on "That's Incredible".
• You know at least 10 Helen Keller jokes.
• You were too young to go see the Blue Lagoon so you just had to settle for second hand reports.
• You remember when there was only PG and R none of this PG-13 crap.
• You learned to swim about the same time Jaws came out and still carry the emotional scars to this day.
• You remember when your cable TV box had a sliding selector switch.
• You actually believed everything Leonard Nimoy told you on "In Search Of...".
• Your jaw would ache by the time you finished those brick sized packages of Bazooka gum.
• You had a crush on Bo, Luke, or Daisy Duke.
• VCRs cost $2,000.
• There was nothing strange about Bert and Ernie living together.
• Rotary dial telephones.
• You actually believed that Mikey, famed for his Life cereal commercials, died after eating a packet of pop rocks and drinking a Coke.
• The theme song to Greatest American Hero still comes back to you on occasion.
• You know where the words "Bueler? Bueler?" came from.

How many Big Ten Students does it take to change a light bulb?

• At Michigan it takes two. One to change the bulb and one more to explain how they did it every bit as well as any Ivy Leaguer.
• At Northwestern it takes three. One to change the bulb, and two to phone a friend at Michigan to get instructions.
• At Michigan State it takes four. One to screw in the bulb, and three to figure out how to get high off the old one.
• At Ohio State it takes five. One to change it, two to talk about how Woody would have done it, and two to throw the old bulb at Michigan students.
• At Wisconsin it takes six. One to change it, two to mix the drinks, and three to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion.
• At Illinois it takes seven, and each one gets four semester credit hours for it.
• At Indiana it takes eight. One to screw it in, and seven to discuss how much brighter it shines during basketball season.
• At Minnesota it takes ten. Two to figure out how to screw it in, ten to find an ugly enough lampshade to match their school colors.
• At Penn Sate it takes 100. One to change it, 49 to talk about how they do it better than Penn, and 50 who realize it's all a lie.
• At Purdue it takes 12. One to change the bulb, five to take pictures, four fraternity pledges to get naked and run through the fountain screaming "They changed the Bulb!", and two engineers to run a study on the whole thing.
• At Iowa it takes none. There's no electricity in Iowa.

• "Specifications are for the weak and timid!"
• "This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code!"
• "You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the original Klingon."
• "Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!"
• "What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'. Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake."
• "Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments' - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM."
• "Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak."
• "I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth contest. They will not concern us again."
• "A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!"
• "By filing this bug report you have challenged the honor of my family. Prepare to die!"
• "You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!"
• "Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!"

How To Light A Charcoal Grill

Each year, Goble and a bunch of other engineers hold a picnic in West Lafayette, Indiana, at which they cook hamburgers on a big grill. Being engineers, they began looking for practical ways to speed up the charcoal-lighting process. "We started by blowing the charcoal with a hair dryer," Goble told me in a telephone interview. "Then we figured out that it would light faster if we used a vacuum cleaner." If you know anything about (1) engineers and (2) guys in general, you know what happened: The purpose of the charcoal-lighting shifted from cooking hamburgers to seeing how fast they could light the charcoal.

From the vacuum cleaner, they escalated to using a propane torch, then an acetylene torch. Then Goble started using compressed pure oxygen, which caused the charcoal to burn much faster, because as you recall from chemistry class, fire is essentially the rapid combination of oxygen with a reducing agent (the charcoal). We discovered that a long time ago, somewhere in the valley between the Tigris and Euphrates rivers (or something along those lines).

By this point, Goble was getting pretty good times. But in the world of competitive charcoal-lighting, "pretty good" does not cut the mustard. Thus, Goble hit upon the idea of using - get ready - liquid oxygen. This is the form of oxygen used in rocket engines; it's 295 degrees below zero and 600 times as dense as regular oxygen. In terms of releasing energy, pouring liquid oxygen on charcoal is the equivalent of throwing a live squirrel into a room containing 50 million Labrador retrievers.

On Gobel's Web page (the address is http://ghg.ecn.purdue.edu/), you can see actual photographs and a video of Goble using a bucket attached to a 10-foot-long wooden handle to dump 3 gallons of liquid oxygen (not sold in stores) onto a grill containing 60 pounds of charcoal and a lit cigarette for ignition. What follows is the most impressive charcoal-lighting I have ever seen, featuring a large fireball that, according to Goble, reached 10,000 degrees Fahrenheit. The charcoal was ready for cooking in - this has to be a world record - 3 seconds. There's also a photo of what happened when Goble used the same technique on a flimsy $2.88 discount-store grill. All that's left is a circle of charcoal with a few shreds of metal in it. "Basically, the grill vaporized," said Goble. "We were thinking of returning it to the store for a refund."

Looking at Goble's video and photos, I became, as an American, all choked up with gratitude at the fact that I do not live anywhere near the engineers' picnic site. But also, I was proud of my country for producing guys who can be ready to barbecue in less time than it takes for guys in less-advanced nations, such as France, to spit.

Will the 3-second barrier ever be broken? Will engineers come up with a new, more powerful charcoal-lighting technology? It's something for all of us to ponder this summer as we sit outside, chewing our hamburgers, every now and then glancing in the direction of West Lafayette,Indiana, looking for a mushroom cloud.

Engineers are like that

On the 'High' Price of Gasoline...

What if you were to buy a gallon of . . .

• Diet Snapple 16 oz for $1.29 = $10.32 per gallon
• Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz for $1.19 = $9.52 per gallon
• Gatorade 20 oz for $1.59 = $10.17 per gallon
• Ocean Spray 16 oz for $1.25 = $10.00 per gallon
• Quart of Milk 16 oz for $1.59 = $6.32 per gallon
• Evian (water) 9 oz for $1.49 = $21.19 per gallon
• STP brake fluid 12 oz for $3.15 = $33.60 per gallon
• Vicks NyQuil 6 oz for $8.35 = $178.13 per gallon
• Pepto Bismol 4 oz for $3.85 = $123.20 per gallon
• Whiteout 7 oz for $1.39 = $254.17 per gallon
• Scope 1.5 oz for $0.99 = $84.84 per gallon

You get the idea. so next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on nyquil or scope or whiteout!

Halloween Rules to Live (or die) By

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.
2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.
5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go alone.
6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.
8. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!
9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get out.
10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.
12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.
13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.
15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.
17. Beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.
18. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices.
19. Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an old house, women should not wear a flimsy negligee. And carry a flashlight, not a candle.
20. And finally...DO NOT go looking for witches in the Maryland countryside.

Funny Pictures

'Nuff said.

Maybe these guys should've spent more time in school...

FAQ: Life

Q: Does God control everything that happens in my life?
A: He could, if he used the debugger, but it's tedious to step through
all those variables.
Q: Why does God allow evil to happen?
A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier revs.
Q: Does God know everything?
A: He likes to think so, but he is often amazed to find out what goes
on in the overnite job.
Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?
A: If a critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically and
he logs on from home to try to bring it up.  Otherwise things can
wait until tomorrow.
Q: Did God really create the world in seven days?
A: He did it in six days and nights while living on cola and candy
bars.  On the seventh day he went home and found out his girlfriend
had left him.
Q: How come the Age of Miracles Ended?
A: That was the development phase of the project, now we are in the
maintenance phase.
Q: Will there be another Universe after the Big Bang?
A: A lot of people are drawing things on the white board, but
personally, God doubts that it will ever be implemented.
Q: Who is Satan?
A: Satan is an MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he
actually possesses, so people who aren't programmers are scared of
him.  God thinks of him as irritating but irrelevant.
Q: What is the role of sinners?
A: Sinners are the people who find new and imaginative ways to mess
up the system when God has made it idiot-proof.
Q: Where will I go after I die?
A: Onto a DAT tape.
Q: Will I be reincarnated?
A: Not unless there is a special need to recreate you.  And searching
those .tar files is a major hassle, so if there is a request for you,
God will just say that the tape has been lost.
Q: Am I unique and special in the universe?
A: There are over 10,000 major university and corporate sites running
exact duplicates of you in the present release version.
Q: What is the purpose of the universe?
A: God created it because he values elegance and simplicity, but then
the users and managers demanded he tack all this senseless stuff onto
it and now everything is more complicated and expensive than ever.
Q: If I pray to God, will he listen?
A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just get
off his back and let him program.
Q: What is the one true religion?
A: All systems have their advantages and disadvantages, so just pick
the one that best suits your needs and don't let anyone put you down.
Q: Is God angry that we crucified him?
A: Let's just say he's not going to any more meetings if he can help
it, because that last one with the twelve managers and the food turned
out to be murder.
Q: How can I protect myself from evil?
A: Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a common
word, or a date like your birthday.
Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God.  Is this true?
A: They are much more likely to receive email.
Q: Some people say God is Love.
A: That is not a question.  Please restate your query in the form of
a question.

The vet examines the dog and says,"I'm sorry, I'm afraid your dog is dead."

"Dead? How can he be dead? He was fine yesterday. Are you sure he's dead? Aren't there other tests you can run?" The vet leaves, then returns with a pet carrying case. He opens the case and a big cat emerges. The cat plods over to the dog and sniffs around its head. It then circles the dog, sniffing and poking around. After a minute or two the cat returns to its cage.

"Well," says the vet, "That pretty much proves it. He's dead." "I guess you're right," says the woman, now coming to grips with what happened. "At least you did your best. How much do I owe you?"

"$230."

"$230? For what? All you did was tell me my dog was dead. What did you do that costs $230?"

"$30 for the office visit," says the vet, "and $200 for the cat scan."

Deep Thoughts Contest

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him.

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends.

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote.

Home is where the house is.

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up.

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there.

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.

The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who think it odd that I drive without pants.

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out.

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with!

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't is morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"

Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right?

When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?

I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks.

Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!"

If you really want to impress people with your computer literacy, add the words "dot com" to the end of everything you say, dot com.

I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor.

THIRD RUNNER UP

I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died.

SECOND RUNNER UP

I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower.

FIRST RUNNER UP

I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.

WINNER

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.

Dear Dr. Laura,

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to follow them:

• When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
• I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
• I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
• Lev. 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians??
• I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
• A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev.11:10), it is a lesser sin than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this for us?
• Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
• Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
• I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
• My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (a poly/cotten blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev. 24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their inlaws? (Lev. 20:14).

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan,
John Doe

Bizarre American Holidays

Bizarre January Holidays [top of page]
1/1	First Foot Day and Z Day
1/2	Run Up the Flagpole and See if Anybody Salutes It Day
1/3	Festival of Sleep Day
1/4	Trivia Day and Humiliation Day
1/5	Bird Day
1/6	Bean Day
1/7	Old Rock Day
1/8	National JoyGerm Day and Man Watcher's Day
1/9	Play God Day
1/10	Peculiar People Day
1/11	National Step in a Puddle and Splash Your Friend Day
1/12	Feast of Fabulous Wild Men Day
1/13	Make Your Dream Come True Day and Blame Someone Else Day
1/14	National Dress Up Your Pet Day
1/15	Hat Day
1/16	Hot and Spicy Food International Day and National Nothing Day
1/17	Blessing of the Animals at the Cathedral Day
1/18	Winnie the Pooh Day
1/19	National Popcorn Day
1/20	National Buttercrunch Day
1/21	National Hugging Day
1/22	National Answer Your Cat's Question Day and National Blonde Brownie Day
1/23	National Handwriting Day, National Pie Day, and Measure Your Feet Day
1/24	Eskimo Pie Patent Day
1/25	Opposite Day
1/26	Australia Day
1/27	Punch the Clock Day and Thomas Crapper Day
1/28	National Kazoo Day, Clash Day, Rattle Snake Round-Up Day
1/29	National Cornchip Day
1/30	Escape Day
1/31	National Popcorn Day and Child Labor Day
Bizarre February Holidays [top of page]
2/1	Serpent Day
2/2	Purification Day
2/3	Cordova Ice Worm Day
2/4	Create A Vacuum Day
2/5	Disaster Day
2/6	Lame Duck Day
2/7	Charles Dickens Day
2/8	Kite Flying Day
2/9	Toothache Day
2/10	Umbrella Day
2/11	White Tee-Shirt Day and Don't Cry Over Spilled Milk Day
2/12	National Plum Pudding Day
2/13	Get A Different Name Day and Dream Your Sweet Day
2/14	Ferris Wheel Day and National Heart to Heart Day
2/15	National Gum Drop Day
2/16	Do A Grouch A Favor Day
2/17	Champion Crab Races Day
2/18	National Battery Day
2/19	National Chocolate Mint Day
2/20	Hoodie Hoo Day
2/21	Card Reading Day
2/22	Be Humble Day
2/23	International Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day
2/24	National Tortilla Chip Day
2/25	Pistol Patent Day (Samuel Colt)
2/26	National Pistachio Day
2/27	International Polar Bear Day
2/28	Public Sleeping Day
2/1	National Surf and Turf Day
Bizarre March Holidays [top of page]
3/1	National Pig Day and Peanut Butter Lover's Day
3/2	Old Stuff Day
3/3	I Want You To Be Happy Day, Peach Blossom Day and National Anthem Day
3/4	Holy Experiment Day
3/5	Multiple Personalities Day
3/6	National Frozen Food Day
3/7	National Crown Roast Of Pork Day
3/8	Be Nasty Day
3/9	Panic Day
3/10	Festival Of Life In The Cracks Day
3/11	Johnny Appleseed Day and Worship of Tools Day
3/12	Alfred Hitchcock Day
3/13	Jewel Day
3/14	National Potato Chip Day
3/15	Buzzard's Day and Everything You Think Is Wrong Day
3/16	Everything You Do Is Right Day
3/17	Submarine Day
3/18	Supreme Sacrifice Day
3/19	Poultry Day
3/20	Proposal Day and Festival Of Extraterrestrial Abductions Day
3/21	Fragrance Day
3/22	National Goof-off Day
3/23	National Organize Your Home Office Day and National Chip and Dip Day
3/24	National Chocolate Covered Raisins Day
3/25	Pecan Day and Waffle Day
3/26	Make Up Your Own Holiday Day and Spinach Festival Day
3/27	National "Joe" Day
3/28	Something On A Stick Day
3/29	Festival Of Smoke and Mirrors Day
3/30	I Am In Control Day
3/31	Bunsen Burner Day and National Clams On The Half Shell Day
Bizarre April Holidays [top of page]
4/1	One Cent Day
4/2	National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day
4/3	Tweed Day and Don't Go To Work Unless It's Fun Day
4/4	Tell-A-Lie Day
4/5	Go For Broke Day
4/6	Sorry Charlie Day
4/7	No Housework Day
4/8	All Is Ours Day
4/9	Winston Churchill Day and Name Yourself Day
4/10	Golfers Day
4/11	Eight-Track Tape Day
4/12	Look Up At The Sky Day
4/13	Blame Somebody Else Day
4/14	National Pecan Day
4/15	Rubber Eraser Day
4/16	National Stress Awareness Day and National Eggs Benedict Day
4/17	National Cheeseball Day
4/18	International Jugglers Day
4/19	Garlic Day
4/20	Look Alike Day
4/21	Kindergarten Day
4/22	National Jelly Bean Day
4/23	Read Me Day and World Laboratory Animal Day
4/24	National Pigs In A Blanket Day
4/25	National Zucchini Bread Day
4/26	Richter Scale Day and National Pretzel Day
4/27	Tell A Story Day
4/28	Great Poetry Reading Day and Kiss-Your-Mate Day
4/29	National Shrimp Scampi Day
4/30	National Honesty Day
Bizarre May Holidays [top of page]
5/1	Mother Goose Day and Save The Rhino Day
5/2	Fire Day
5/3	Lumpy Rug Day
5/4	National Candied Orange Peel Day
5/5	National Hoagie Day
5/6	Beverage Day
5/7	International Tuba Day, Paste Up Day, and
5/8	No Socks Day and Have A Coke Day
5/9	Lost Sock Memorial Day
5/10	Clean Up Your Room Day
5/11	Eat What You Want Day and Twilight Zone Day
5/12	Limerick Day
5/13	Leprechaun Day
5/14	National Dance Like A Chicken Day
5/15	National Chocolate Chip Day
5/16	Wear Purple For Peace Day
5/17	Pack Rat Day
5/18	International Museum Day and Visit Your Relatives Day
5/19	Frog Jumping Jubilee Day
5/20	Eliza Doolittle Day
5/21	National Memo Day and National Waitresses/Waiters Day
5/22	Buy-A-Musical-Instrument Day
5/23	Penny Day
5/24	National Escargot Day
5/25	National Tap Dance Day
5/26	Grey Day
5/27	Body Painting Arts Festival
5/28	National Hamburger Day
5/29	End Of The Middle Ages Day
5/30	My Bucket's Got A Hole In It Day
5/31	National Macaroon Day
Bizarre June Holidays [top of page]
6/1	Dare Day
6/2	National Rocky Road Day
6/3	Repeat Day
6/4	Old Maid's Day
6/5	Festival Of Popular Delusions Day
6/6	Teacher's Day and National Applesauce Cake Day
6/7	National Chocolate Ice Cream Day
6/8	Name Your Poison Day
6/9	Donald Duck Day
6/10	National Yo-Yo Day
6/11	National Hug Holiday and King Kamehameha Day
6/12	Machine Day
6/13	National Juggling Day and Kitchen Klutzes Of America Day
6/14	Pop Goes The Weasel Day
6/15	Smile Power Day
6/16	National Hollerin' Contest Day
6/17	Watergate Day and Eat Your Vegetables Day
6/18	International Panic Day
6/19	World Sauntering Day
6/20	Ice Cream Soda Day
6/22	National Chocolate Eclair Day
6/23	National Pink Day
6/24	Museum Comes To Life Day
6/25	Log Cabin Day
6/26	National Chocolate Pudding Day
6/27	National Columnists Day
6/28	Paul Bunyan Day
6/29	Camera Day
6/30	Meteor Day
Bizarre July Holidays [top of page]
7/1	Creative Ice Cream Flavor Day and Build A Scarecrow Day
7/2	Visitation Of The Virgin Mary Day
7/3	Stay Out Of The Sun Day and Compliment Your Mirror Day
7/4	National Country Music Day and
7/5	Workaholics Day
7/6	National Fried Chicken Day
7/7	National Strawberry Sundae Day
7/8	Video Games Day
7/9	National Sugar Cookie Day
7/10	Clerihew Day
7/11	National Cheer Up The Lonely Day
7/12	National Pecan Pie Day
7/13	Fool's Paradise Day
7/14	National Nude Day
7/15	National Tapioca Pudding Day and Respect Canada Day
7/16	International Juggling Day
7/17	National Peach Ice Cream Day
7/18	National Ice Cream Day and National Caviar Day
7/19	Flitch Day
7/20	Ugly Truck Contest Day
7/21	National Tug-Of-War Tournament Day
7/22	Ratcatcher's Day
7/23	National Vanilla Ice Cream Day
7/24	Amelia Earhart Day
7/25	Threading The Needle Day
7/26	All Or Nothing Day
7/27	Take Your Pants For A Walk Day
7/28	National Milk Chocolate Day
7/29	Cheese Sacrifice Purchase Day
7/30	National Cheesecake Day
7/31	Parent's Day
Bizarre August Holidays [top of page]
8/1	Friendship Day and National Raspberry Cream Pie Day
8/2	National Ice Cream Sandwich Day
8/3	National Watermelon Day
8/4	Twins Day Festival
8/5	National Mustard Day
8/6	Wiggle Your Toes Day
8/7	Sea Serpent Day
8/8	Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor's Porch Night
8/9	National Polka Festival
8/10	Lazy Day
8/11	Presidential Joke Day
8/12	Middle Child's Day
8/13	Blame Someone Else Day
8/14	National Creamsicle Day
8/15	National Relaxation Day and National Failures Day
8/16	Bratwurst Festival
8/17	National Thriftshop Day
8/18	Bad Poetry Day
8/19	Potato Day
8/20	National Radio Day
8/21	National Spumoni Day
8/22	Be An Angel Day
8/23	National Spongecake Day
8/24	Knife Day
8/25	Kiss-And-Make-Up Day
8/26	National Cherry Popsicle Day
8/27	Petroleum Day
8/28	World Sauntering Day
8/29	More Herbs, Less Salt Day
8/30	National Toasted Marshmallow Day
8/31	National Trail Mix Day
Bizarre September Holidays [top of page]
9/1	Emma M. Nutt Day
9/2	National Beheading Day
9/3	Skyscraper Day
9/4	Newspaper Carrier Day
9/5	Be Late For Something Day
9/6	Fight Procrastination Day
9/7	Neither Rain Nor Snow Day
9/8	National Date Nut Bread Day and Pardon Day
9/9	Teddy Bear Day
9/10	Swap Ideas Day
9/11	No News Is Good News Day
9/12	National Pet Memorial Day and
9/13	Defy Superstition Day
9/14	National Cream-filled Donut Day
9/15	Felt Hat Day
9/16	Stay Away From Seattle Day and Collect Rocks Day
9/17	National Apple Dumpling Day
9/18	National Play-doh Day
9/19	National Butterscotch Pudding Day
9/20	National Punch Day
9/21	World Gratitude Day and International Banana Festival
9/22	Hobbit Day and Dear Diary Day
9/23	Checkers Day and Dogs In Politics Day
9/24	Festival Of Latest Novelties
9/25	National Comic Book Day
9/26	National Good Neighbor Day and
9/27	Crush A Can Day
9/28	Ask A Stupid Question Day
9/29	Poisoned Blackberries Day
9/30	National Mud Pack Day
Bizarre October Holidays [top of page]
10/1	World Vegetarian Day and Magic Circles Day
10/2	Name Your Car Day
10/3	Virus Appreciation Day
10/4	National Golf Day
10/5	National Storytelling Festival
10/6	German-American Day and Come and Take It Day
10/7	National Frappe Day
10/8	American Tag Day
10/9	Moldy Cheese Day
10/10	National Angel Food Cake Day
10/11	It's My Party Day
10/12	International Moment Of Frustration Scream Day
10/13	National Peanut Festival
10/14	Be Bald and Free Day and National Dessert Day
10/15	White Cane Safety Day
10/16	Dictionary Day
10/17	Gaudy Day
10/18	No Beard Day
10/19	Evaluate Your Life Day
10/20	National Brandied Fruit Day
10/21	Babbling Day
10/22	National Nut Day
10/23	National Mole Day
10/24	National Bologna Day
10/25	Punk For A Day Day
10/26	Mule Day
10/27	Sylvia Plath Day
10/28	Plush Animal Lover's Day and National Chocolate Day
10/29	Hermit Day
10/30	National Candy Corn Day
10/31	National Magic Day and Increase Your Pyschic Powers Day
Bizarre November Holidays [top of page]
11/1	Plan Your Epitaph Day
11/2	National Deviled Egg Day
11/3	Sandwich Day and Housewife's Day
11/4	Waiting For The Barbarians Day
11/5	Gunpowder Day
11/6	Saxophone Day and Marooned Without A Compass Day
11/7	National Bittersweet Chocolate With Almonds Day
11/8	Dunce Day
11/9	Chaos Never Dies Day
11/10	Forget-Me-Not Day
11/11	Air Day
11/12	National Pizza With The Works Except Anchovies Day
11/13	National Indian Pudding Day
11/14	Operation Room Nurse Day
11/15	National Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day
11/16	Button Day
11/17	Take A Hike Day
11/18	Occult Day
11/19	Have A Bad Day Day
11/20	Absurdity Day
11/21	World Hello Day and False Confessions Day
11/22	Start Your Own Country Day
11/23	National Cashew Day
11/24	Use Even If Seal Is Broken Day
11/25	National Parfait Day
11/26	Shopping Reminder Day
11/27	Pins And Needles Day
11/28	Make Your Own Head Day
11/29	Square Dance Day
11/30	Stay At Home Because You're Well Day
Bizarre December Holidays [top of page]
12/1	National Pie Day and Eat A Red Apple Day
12/2	National Fritters Day
12/3	National Roof-Over-Your-Head Day
12/4	Wear Brown Shoes Day
12/5	National Sacher Torte Day
12/6	National Gazpacho Day and Mitten Tree Day
12/7	National Cotton Candy Day
12/8	Take It In The Ear Day
12/9	National Pastry Day
12/10	Festival For The Souls Of Dead Whales
12/11	National Noodle Ring Day
12/12	National Ding-A-Ling Day
12/13	Ice Cream and Violins Day
12/14	National Bouillabaisse Day
12/15	National Lemon Cupcake Day
12/16	National Chocolate Covered Anything Day
12/17	Underdog Day and National Maple Syrup Day
12/18	National Roast Suckling Pig Day
12/19	Oatmeal Muffin Day
12/20	Games Day
12/21	Look At The Bright Side Day, National Flashlight Day,
12/22	National Date-Nut Bread Day
12/23	Roots Day
12/24	National Egg Nog Day
12/25	National Pumpkin Pie Day
12/26	National Whiners Day
12/27	National Fruitcake Day
12/28	Card Playing Day and National Chocolate Day
12/29	Pepper Pot Day
12/30	Festival Of Enormous Changes At The Last Minute and
12/31	Unlucky Day

• 2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.
• Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
• A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
• Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
• For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
• Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
• Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
• Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
• Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
• We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
• For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
• For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.
• Great Dames for sale.
• Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
• Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
• Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
• Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
• Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
• Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
• Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
• Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
• Stock up and save. Limit: one.
• For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
• Man, honest. Will take anything.
• Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.
• Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
• UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
• Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
• Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
• Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
• 3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
• Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
• Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
• Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
• Illiterate? Write today for free help.
• Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
• Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
• And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
• We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

MULDER: "We're too late! It's already been here."
SCULLY: "Mulder, I hope you know what you're doing."
MULDER: "Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into a shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care."
SCULLY: "You really think someone's been here?"
MULDER: "Someone, or something."
SCULLY: "Mulder, over here-it's a fruitcake."
MULDER: "Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal."
SCULLY: "It's O.K. There's a note attached: 'Gonna find out who's naughty and nice.'"
MULDER: "It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list."
SCULLY: "Who? What are you talking about?"
MULDER: "Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once a year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite."
SCULLY: "But that's legend, Mulder-a story told by parents to frighten children. Surely you don't believe it?"
MULDER: "Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive-and in a hurry."
SCULLY: "It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder, this milk glass has been completely drained."
MULDER: "It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse."
SCULLY: "But why would they leave it milk and cookies?"
MULDER: "Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding."
SCULLY: "But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were locked. There's no sign of forced entry."
MULDER: "Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace."
SCULLY: "Wait a minute, Mulder. If you're saying some huge creature landed on the roof and came down this chimney, you're crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing could get down there."
MULDER: "But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions at once?"
SCULLY: "You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?"
MULDER: "Exactly. Scully, I've never told anyone this, but when I was a child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white shanks of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated torso was red and white. I'll never forget the horror. I turned away, and when I looked back it had somehow taken on the facial features of my father."
SCULLY: "Impossible."
MULDER: "I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully. It knew that I wanted a Mr. Potato Head!"
SCULLY: "I'm sorry, Mulder, but you're asking me to disregard the laws of physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls and boys. Listen to what you're saying. Do you understand the repercussions? If this gets out, they'll close the X-files."
MULDER: "Scully, listen to me: It knows when you're sleeping. It knows when you're awake."
SCULLY: "But we have no proof."
MULDER: "Last year, on this exact date, SETI radio telescopes detected bogeys in the airspace over twenty-seven states. The White House ordered a 'Condition Red.'"
SCULLY: "But that was a meteor shower."
MULDER: "Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished from the National Zoo, in Washington, D.C. Nobody-not even the zookeeper-was told about it. The government doesn't want people to know about Project Kringle. They fear that if this thing is proved to exist the public will stop spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets will collapse. Scully, they cannot let the world believe this creature lives. There's too much at stake. They'll do whatever it takes to insure another silent night."
SCULLY: "Mulder, I-"
MULDER: "Sh-h-h. Do you hear what I hear?"
SCULLY: "On the roof. It sounds like ... a clatter."
MULDER: "The truth is up there. Let's see what's the matter."

An Eighties Love Story

He told two of my co-workers, Jack and Diane, that I gave love a bad name. Well, I got so emotional, baby. I told him to say say say what he wants, but don't play games with my affection. He told me it was hard for him to say he's sorry and not to worry, to be happy. Then he blamed it on the rain. He was so out of touch. It just took my breath away. I couldn't fight this feeling any longer. I asked him "What's love got to do with it?" He told me to get outta his store and his dreams and into my car.

So I figured I might as well jump. I cut footloose, went home and called my girl, Jenny. (You already know the number) She was on the other line with Amanda. They were talking about Mickey and how he was so fine. That blew my mind! Was she really going out with him? I told her that I had just called to say I love her. She told me she had been saving all her love for me, but now she was looking for a new love - asta la vista, baby. I thought "I can't go for that - no can do! Bring me a higher love!" I called up some of my old west end girls, hoping that one of them would want to get physical all night long (all night). First I called Billie Jean - she told me to beat it. I called Rosanna - her sister Christian blessed the rains down in Africa and then hung up on me. Come on, Eileen! ... no answer. Nobody told me there'd be days like these! I was feeling like the owner of a lonely heart.

Then, out of the blue, my best friend's girlfriend (she used to be mine) Roxanne calls. Yes, the real Roxanne. She told me she still hadn't found what she's looking for and that she wanted to take on me. I said "I thought you were Jessie's girl." She said "Don't you want me? You don't have to put on the red light - I'm on my own." What a feeling! I had the eye of the tiger. Who was I f-f-f-foolin? Roxanne drove me crazy like no one else. She's a beauty! She blinded me with science, and weird science at that. There was always something there to remind me of her and I just knew that I'd have the time of my life.

I wasn't about to la-di-da-di. I jumped in my little red Corvette and rocked down to Electric Avenue. I got my mind set on her. When I got to her house (in the middle of her street) I ran. I rapped on her front door and to this rapper's delight, i heard a voice say "Who can it be now?" "Here I am, the one that you love", I replied. I let my love open the door and was immediately lost in her eyes. I felt like a virgin touched for the very first time. She loosened her blouse and said "Rock me Amadeus!" Well, I felt it was my prerogative to bust a move. I told her "I'll tumble for ya!" as I pinned her on the stairs, hungry like the wolf.

Just then I felt an invisible touch on my shoulder. "Turn around bright eyes!" said a familiar voice. As I did, Jessie hit me with a sledgehammer of an uppercut that spun me right round like a record. He was hangin' tough and continued to roll with it, knocking the wind from beneath my wings - broken wings by this time. He rocked me tonight, for old time's sake, beating me from head to toe, until my true colors were black and blue and blood was spilling from my mouth like red, red wine. "You don't owe me money for nothing!" he snarled. At this point I was livin' on a prayer. I crawled back to my little red Corvette and drove home thinking about how my tainted love had cut like a knife - how it seems that every rose, truly, has its thorn. No longer do I want to know what love is. Love stinks.

Top 19 Things That Sound Dirty at Thanksgiving

1. "Talk about a huge breast!"
2. "Whew, that's one terrific spread!"
3. "It's a little dry. Do you still want to eat it?"
4. "Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist."
5. "Just lay back and take it easy. I'll do the rest."
6. "I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."
7. "How long do I beat it before it's ready?"
8. "Use a nice, smooth stroke when you whip it."
9. "Don't play with your meat."
10. "Just spread the legs open and stuff it in."
11. "How long will it take after you stick it in?"
12. "You'll know when it's ready when it pops up."
13. "If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"
14. "That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"
15. "Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"
16. "I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"
17. "It's Cool Whip time!"
18. "You still have a little bit on your chin."
19. "Are you ready for seconds yet?"